Lately, if you open your eyes, you will see many people constantly on their phones.
You can see it when:
People walk along the streets,
At work,
Or dinner with a loved one or group of friends.
The rise of technology and smartphones has naturally led us to be more comfortable on our phones rather than present in our day-to-day lives.
We prefer talking with people over text rather than in person.
We prefer mindlessly scrolling rather than building our dream life or spending time with someone.
The list goes on and on.
It defeats the purpose of technology.
Technology allows us to be more connected than ever, but are we truly connected?
Whether the above resonates with you or not, everybody, including yourself, can learn how to become a better conversationalist.
It will serve you well at work, in relationships, and life.
The Why Behind Becoming a Better Conversationalist
You want to become a better conversationalist as it allows you to navigate life easier and find more fulfillment.
The goal of a conversation is to break through the daily small talk and make an impact with what you are saying.
Most conversations nowadays are status quo and do not deviate from the standard norm.
The following conversation is familiar to many people:
“Hi, how are you?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Good, thanks for asking.”
This example is how a majority of our population goes about their conversations.
There is nothing memorable about that interaction. Neither party will walk away feeling a sense of joy or happiness from that conversation.
Conversations such as the above are called surface-level conversations.
Surface-level conversations are exactly what they sound like, conversations that scratch the surface and have little emotional impact.
These conversations have taken hold of our society, while small talk is more draining than ever.
It has reached the point where having a genuine conversation with somebody is a breath of fresh air. In our heads, we think,
“Finally, somebody who will listen to me.”
If we can be the person who brings a sense of refreshment to someone’s life, it will allow us to connect with them on a deeper level. Genuine conversations allow both parties to open up authentically.
It will benefit our relationships as well as our personal lives.
When you engage in a productive and meaningful conversation, you walk away energized and full of positive emotion.
For example,
You and a loved one are having dinner together, and instead of talking, you sit on your phones.
By doing this, there is no connection happening there.
By sitting on your phones, you are throwing away valuable time.
Valuable time that allows you to connect and further strengthen your relationship.
When you quit trying to strengthen your relationship, this will subconsciously bring on feelings of complacency.
When you are complacent in your relationship, you start a dangerous game.
By taking the initiative to become a better conversationalist, you and all areas of your life will thrive.
Before learning how to become a better conversationalist, we must first know what to avoid when having a conversation.
Key Takeaways
You want to become a better conversationalist as it allows you to navigate life easier and find more fulfillment.
The goal of a conversation is to break through the daily small talk and make an impact with what you are saying.
If we can be the person that brings a sense of refreshment to someone’s life, it will allow us to connect with them on a deeper level.
What to Avoid When Having a Conversation
We can talk all day about how to become a better conversationalist and tips to do so. You must also know what to avoid when having a conversation.
By learning about the positives and negatives, you give yourself an all-encompassing view of conversations and how to navigate them.
3 Things to Avoid When Having a Conversation
#1: Interview Mode
Interview mode is one of the biggest mistakes you can make when engaging in a meaningful conversation with somebody.
A person engages in this when they do not provide any value to the conversation and instead keep asking questions thinking that is how they will learn about somebody and connect with them.
As you are talking with somebody, it should go something like this:
Person A provides input.
Person B replies with feedback to Person A’s input and then provides additional, valuable input to keep the conversation flowing.
For example,
If you are out on a date with somebody and they let you know that seafood is their favorite, a reply to that could be:
“That is interesting! I am not the biggest fan of seafood but I also haven’t given it a fair chance. I come from a town in which quality meat is more available than seafood. What is your favorite seafood dish?”
With this reply, you not only show the other person that you are actively listening but also curious to learn more about the topic and their liking.
If you were to reply to them in interview mode, which many people have a habit of doing, it would sound like this:
“That is interesting! What is your favorite seafood dish?”
Although this reply gets the job done, it does not help develop and grow an emotional connection as you need to dig deeper into the topic and give your insight.
By avoiding interview mode, you will have more meaningful conversations. People will also be much more likely to open up to you and trust you.
#2: Money, Politics, and Religion
When talking with somebody, avoid talking about:
Money,
Politics,
and Religion at all costs.
Although there will be a time and place with certain people to discuss these three topics, do not bring them up in a typical daily conversation.
The reason to avoid talking about these topics is due to each person’s strong beliefs surrounding them.
For example,
In the United States, politics are more prevalent than ever before. People will judge you depending on the party that you vote for.
If this is brought up early in the conversation, it can skew our perception of the person we are talking to and cause us to look at them differently.
Instead, leave that as a topic to be discussed at a later date if it calls for it.
When conversing with people, stick to topics that allow you to get to know them but are not viewed as “touchy” subjects.
#3: Closed Off Body Language
A crucial component of a meaningful and engaging conversation is the body language of each participant.
Whether you are talking to an individual or looking from the outside, each participant’s body language can tell a lot.
If two people are talking and both have their arms crossed, this can be a sign of discomfort.
The reason is that if we are feeling uncomfortable, we will cross our arms to close ourselves off.
If you are talking to a group and everybody is slouching in their seats, this can be a sign of disengagement or boredom.
When people are actively engaged in a conversation, they sit upright and focus on what is said.
Although those are only a couple of examples, needless to say, body language can tell you a lot about how your message is coming across.
To become a better conversationalist, do not engage in closed-off body language. Be open with your body language.
Instead of crossing your arms, use your hands for gestures to signify parts of what is said.
By actively partaking in open body language, you will engage all parties involved in the conversation, thus developing a more meaningful and trusting connection.
Now that we have discussed a few things to avoid when involved in a conversation, let’s look at some tips to become a better conversationalist.
Key Takeaways
By learning about the positives and negatives, you give yourself an all-encompassing view of conversations and how to navigate them.
When talking with somebody, avoid talking about money, politics, and religion at all costs.
To become a better conversationalist, do not engage in closed-off body language. Be open with it.
Tips to Become a Better Conversationalist
We know why becoming a better conversationalist is important, along with what to avoid during a conversation, but how do we become better conversationalists?
While a lot goes into having a conversation, below are a few tips that can give you an advantage during them.
Along with having an advantage, these tips will help make you and your conversations more meaningful and memorable.
10 Tips to Become a Better Conversationalist
Tip #1: Engage in Active Listening
When you are with somebody, practice active listening. Get to hear and understand what the other person is saying.
Most people nowadays do not listen to understand but listen to respond.
When you incorporate active listening into your conversations, you are more engaged. People will notice that and respect it.
Tip #2: Talk to Each Individual in a Group Setting
If you are talking with a group of people, do not look at it as if you are talking to a group of people.
You will spread yourself too thin by trying to talk to each person all at the same time.
Instead, look at it as if you are talking to a group of individuals.
For example, if you are talking with a group of three people, you are talking to three individuals and need to act as such.
When you talk, look each individual in the eyes and confirm they understand what you are saying.
By talking to each individual in the group one at a time, you will create a much more engaging conversation that people will want to partake in and add value to.
Tip #3: Avoid Filler Words
We touched on filler words in our persuasion post.
Ultimately, filler words will make you appear less confident and portray yourself as questioning or unsure.
Examples of these words include:
Like,
I mean,
Um.
These words need to be avoided to the best of your ability.
Instead, take the time to embrace the silence and collect your thoughts.
Tip #4: Embrace Silence
By embracing silence, you will effectively avoid using filler words, as we touched on in tip three. You will also avoid saying something to say it.
When you rush to fill in the silence, you will say something that provides no value to the conversation.
This causes the other individual(s) partaking in the conversation to lose interest.
A way to think of this is that you only have a set number of questions you can ask during a conversation. If you spend your time filling the silence with pointless questions, you will find yourself walking away from the conversation with not much to show.
Tip #5: Be Genuinely Curious
When in a conversation, be genuinely curious about what is said.
Now we aren’t talking about fake curiosity such as,
“Oh, that is so cool! Tell me more.”
When you are genuinely curious, your body language and response will show that.
Instead of just saying tell me more, you will craft a response that not only provides feedback to the person and what they have said but also encourages them to keep expanding on the topic.
Genuine curiosity shows you care about what is said and want to learn more.
If you are in a conversation and are not interested in what is said, why are you there in the first place?
Tip #6: Bring Positivity to the Conversation
When talking, do not bring negativity or emotional baggage into the conversation.
People want to walk away from a conversation feeling happy that they partook in it, not feeling drained and full of negativity.
Positivity is crucial when talking with somebody for the first time. During that first conversation, avoid dumping any negative emotional baggage you have.
They will not only want to never talk to you again, but this also puts the negative burden of your troubles on them.
Instead, keep the first encounter and most interactions easy-going and light. If they are concerned with your troubles later, you can open up and discuss them.
Tip #7: Avoid Debating or Arguing
This tip ties in with bringing positivity to the conversation.
While there sometimes is a place to have a healthy debate or argument, that sometimes is not in every conversation you have with one person or group.
Nowadays, beliefs are stronger than ever, and people are willing to debate and argue their viewpoints at all costs.
At the end of a conversation in which debating or arguing has taken place, both parties typically walk away with pent-up negative emotion that does much more harm than good.
Not to say do not stick up for what you believe in, but it is often much better to agree to disagree and move on.
Tip #8: Focus on Your Presentation
A conversation is not always about what is said but the presentation behind it.
How you present the question,
“How are you doing?”
can elicit many different responses.
Changing your tone of voice when asking this question, depending on the situation and what you want to achieve, can spark emotions of happiness, sadness, lust, and much more.
If you go deeper than just your tone of voice and look at the outfit you are wearing, how your hair looks, and other physical traits, you will soon realize that by focusing on your presentation, you give yourself an advantage with minimal effort.
Before entering any social setting, if you focus on your presentation, people will focus on you.
Tip #9: Provide Value to the Conversation
When talking with somebody, make sure to provide value to the conversation and to them as a person.
You can relate this tip to interview mode, which we discussed above.
If you only ask the person you are talking to questions and do not let them know, say how awesome the trip they went on seems, they will not feel any connection.
To truly connect with somebody, you have to not only let them know that you are listening to what they are saying but also how you are feeling about what they are saying and why it matters to you as well.
When you do this, you add value to the conversation and the other person by hearing them and letting them know your thoughts.
Tip #10: Do Not Make the Conversation All About You
One of the most important tips on this list is not to make the conversation all about you.
While this sounds simple, it happens much more often than you think.
Everybody has that one friend or person they have met in their life that as soon as you tell a story about something that has happened, they go directly into a similar situation that happened to them.
For example,
You tell somebody that you have been going to the gym more often and have started eating healthier. Without hesitation, the other person starts talking about how they have wanted to do the same but have been slacking.
In this example, the person who has not been going to the gym made the whole conversation about themselves and provided no value or appreciation for the person going to the gym.
Additionally, the person not going to the gym may start subconsciously planting seeds of doubt in the other person’s head since they struggle to go themselves.
The first few times may go overlooked, but if a person has a habit of constantly making the conversation about themselves, it will get noticed.
It is best to hear people out and let them talk about what they have going on. Your turn will come.
Key Takeaways
When you are with somebody, practice active listening. Get to hear and understand what the other person is saying.
When in a conversation, be genuinely curious about what is said.
To truly connect with somebody, you have to not only let them know that you are listening to what they are saying but how you are feeling about what they are saying and why it matters to you as well.
Conclusion
And there you have it.
We have gone over the why behind becoming a better conversationalist, what to avoid when having a conversation, and tips to become a better conversationalist.
Although there is much more to the field of communication and human nature, you can now navigate and engage in conversations with more tools than you had before.
While some of what we discussed above may seem obvious, most people never take the time to assess their situation and audit where their conversational skills currently are.
Instead of being a victim of the everyday small talk that has plagued society, take control of your conversational skills to help you become your best version.
–Your future self will thank you.
